i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
