I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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