Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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