I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When are your genitals available?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
