i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
