I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
