I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You may now shotgun with the bride
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
