Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
