I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
