Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
