There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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