There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
