he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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