sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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