How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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