I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
