i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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