I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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