One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
