So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
