I wish my penis had an off switch
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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