Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Randomize
