he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
