I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
