you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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