just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
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