even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
