I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
