The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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