Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
