Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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