White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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