So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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