No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
