did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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