I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
