Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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