How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My ass is underappreciated
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
