Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
