I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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