i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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