I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
