mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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