I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
