I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
