So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
