Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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