Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
