I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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