I hate your face
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
