i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
