my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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