Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
