the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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