my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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