...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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