hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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